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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 3:56 am 
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Biz and Theresa talk about partner resentment and try to figure out WHOSE FAULT THIS IS. It must be somebody's, right? (oh, hahaha...It's obv our partners' fault.) Plus, Biz needs someone to put a triscuit in her mouth and Theresa deals out some hard truths to Biz. And, Theresa has a new TV show obsession and Biz's baby is a vocal music prodigy. No guest this week which means we have plenty of time to gush about our personal lives to a moderately inappropriate extent!

Episode 52: Baby Daddy Resentment

Whose fault is it?

...just kidding.

How do you handle partner resentment?

Please share and discuss!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 6:08 pm 
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OK, I think I kinda stepped in it this week. I feel like I need to explain myself.

Guys, every week I say at least a couple of things on the show that I regret saying. We don't really edit that stuff out because we want the show to be authentic and we want to be honest with you.

I didn't ask Biz to edit out anything I said this week, because, well...I said it. That's all there is to it. But listening back to the episode, before we even posted it, I was honestly kind of horrified by the way I sounded. And I want to say sorry about a couple of things and clarify a couple others.

On the show this week, Biz said she felt resentful when Stefan went to a work conference that also involved some socializing and a night alone in a hotel room, while Biz was left with the kids. She also said she's resentful that when he helps out with the kids, he doesn't also do housework like she would do when she is with the kids. I basically told her that (1) she needs to schedule breaks for herself, and (2) she needs to change her expectations for Stefan when he takes the kids so she can have a break. But I'll be the first to admit I came off sounding like kind of an anti-feminist a-hole.

So, here's my explanation:

1. Do I think that stay-at-home parents are ultimately responsible for all home- and children-related responsibilities around the clock? No. Of course not. In two-parent households, both parents need to pitch in and help out with kids and home. Every family is different and every couple needs to find the balance that works for them.

2. The advice I gave to Biz was for Biz. No way in hell was I trying to give that advice to all stay-at-home parents, let alone parents as a whole. I was giving advice to my friend Biz, who I know personally, and it was advice for her particular situation. Obviously, that was a dumb thing to do on a podcast, where there's an implication that we're representing moms as a whole (or at least “moms like us” – whatever that is) and listeners can understandably feel I'm talking “to you,” because of course I AM talking to you, even when I'm talking to Biz. So, that was dumb of me, and I'm sorry.

3. Giving advice is dumb, and I even regret giving that advice to Biz. Giving advice doesn't really work because what works for me doesn't necessarily work for you, and it can leave everyone feeling judged. Rather than giving advice, what I should have said was, “I think the question is whether you're both working equally hard for your family. If it doesn't feel that way to you, you are the one who can best make that judgment, and I SUPPORT YOUR JUDGMENT OF THE SITUATION.” Bam. That woulda been better.

Now. Am I getting all defensive about this because I have some deep-seeded issues surrounding division of labor in my own life? Probably. And I will have to think about this some more. In the mean time, thanks for listening.

You are all doing a good job.

TT

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:53 pm 
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Talent!
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Theresa,

You are great. Is it weird that I also felt I stepped in it this week? I made the show WAY too personal and almost crossed a line for myself so you and I are definitely winning this week.

I just want to say that I got what you were going for, but I also understand how you feel.

The big take away though was your advice was spot on. It is about me setting realistic expectations which I was not doing.

So thank you friend!! You are doing a great job!

Biz


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 11:52 pm 
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Thanks Biz!!

(PS Do you think we're the only two people using the forum and/or listening to our own show?) HA HA HA

No really though thank you.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 1:30 am 
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Talent!
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Yes to everything.

Also, which advice do you think our listeners think I am thanking you for....the advice on expectations or blow jobs?


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 2:26 am 
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Oh yeah good point- I totally stand by the blow jobs! Nothing to clarify there.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 3:37 am 
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I'm taking Theresa's advice from a while ago and logging on to the forum to discuss this week's episode because I need to be away from the prying eyes of Facebook (i.e., my mother). I see you two thought you were alone in here :)

I usually download the podcast Friday afternoon and save it for that night or Saturday night so I can listen using headphones while doing all the housework that accompanies a toddler. This time, as soon as I saw the topic, I dashed for my headphones and started listening right away because YES. RESENTMENT. Biz had mentioned once that after she had KB she was resentful of the fact that Stefan's life didn't change that much while hers changed completely, and that is exactly how I have felt since I brought the kid home. My husband and I both work full time 9-to-5 jobs, but if he needs to go in to work early, or needs to stop somewhere after, or makes plans for his weekend, he can just do it. For me, I can't even stop at the convenience store for milk or coffee without factoring the car seat, etc., and the once-every-six-weeks that I get my haircut requires an actual strategy. This is... irritating. The fact that yesterday I did manage to arrange for him to take the toddler so I could get my hair cut (1 hour total), then came home to a kid who was overdue to a diaper change, dinner, and bed was... irritating. To give my husband credit, he also started his own side business last year, and has been very successful, but that means that I feel like I'm solo parenting without (and you're right, this is so key) getting any credit for it, and that somehow he always has the OPTION of helping and can do it when it is convenient for him, but I HAVE to do it if no one else does.

I could go on, but the point is, what made this episode so beautiful and perfect and awesome WAS the fact that you, Biz, got personal (although I'm sure you're squirming) and that you, Theresa, got real (thank you for not editing it out!). Biz, if you hadn't shared, I would STILL feel like I was the only one with this issue, and questioning my relationship - instead, I can keep in mind that this is just a thing, a phase, brought on by too much work and too little sleep and it's these times that really cement a couple for life, and that this is the man that I have shared so much with and have so much to look forward to with, the man who constantly amazes me. Theresa, I admit that I was initially irritated by your message, until I realized it was because you are RIGHT and I just didn't want to hear it. We tend to fall in to this martyr trap (I know I do) where I expect someone else to reward me and give me a break, and I just need to step up and ASK for what I need and GIVE specific requests (i.e. "Could you please make sure the toddler is fed and changed when I get back from my haircut?") and realize that if I'm asking someone else to do something, it can't be done my way, and that's okay. Biz, I LOVED the fact that you said that the other partner might be resentful of the time that the primary caregiver gets to spend with the child/children. That might be the source of some of the comments, too - if the other person feels judged by not being at home, they might try to justify it by talking about how important or difficult their work is (and not realize that they are just totally pissing off the caregiver). Great take home message, ladies, although I want to know specifically what kind of chocolate is the equivalent of... never mind :)

Again - amazing show. I apologize for all my caps, I've been reading a lot of Amalah tonight (all the potty training smackdowns, wish me luck) and it appears to have affected me :) Keep up the great work!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:48 pm 
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Hey Jelourai, thank you so much for this. I want to respond specifically to so many things you said but since I'm on my own with the boys for the third afternoon/evening in a row (relevant!!!) I only have time and brain space to say thank you thank you AND you're doing such a good job-- and I mean that.

XO
-TT

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:13 pm 
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Yep, also just registered to add my comments away from Facebook!

Just wanted to thank you for a fantastic episode that really hit a nerve. Thank you both for being super honest about your own situations (it's totally the main strength of the programme for me) and helping me recognise some of my own HUGE resentments! I find myself in a similar situation frequently - husband works long hours, has to entertain/socialise with clients, blah blah blah - and it's fucking hard work sometimes not to smother his snoring face with a pillow when I'm up with a seemingly eternally insomniac kid for the sixth night in a row (or cooking a delicious yet balanced meal for which I get little thanks... or putting away the piles of clean clothes that would otherwise sit in the doorway to the kid's rooms for a week until the fairies came to put them away...). I needed to hear that a) I'm not alone, b) there's no magic solution but maybe I could try at least communicating some of my expectations. It's also good to remind myself that he's working for all our benefit, and that I'm not married to a dick, at least not a total one anyway.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your show. You are an oasis of sanity ladies.

Xxx


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:47 am 
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Hey MrsP, you are obviously kicking ass. Just the fact that anyone cooks is amazing to me!

I think part of why this ep has struck a nerve for everyone is that it is really fucking painful to resent the person who you obviously love so much you chose to have a family with them. It's also confusing because we're living in this time/place where we supposedly have more equality btwn men and women than we've ever had...which makes us feel surprised when things AREN'T actually equal, and it also makes us question ourselves.

???

I dunno...

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:38 pm 
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Cracking up at Mrs. P.

Theresa - agree re: equality! I had assumed that it meant that on weekends I would change the first diaper, he would do the next, etc. - that literally all of the work would be split exactly 50/50. Based on that assumption, he's really falling short. However, when he IS available, he is 100% captivated by/fascinated with his kid, loves hanging out with him and having fun with him, so he is already SUCH a better father than that stereotypical distant authority-figure of a dad. I'm seeing now that that's really why it comes back to managing MY expectations - I'll just give myself constant kudos for being "so good" at managing the whole feeding-cleaning-sleeping cycle, I'll remember to appreciate his good qualities, and be sure to speak up when I need a break.

Husband told me yesterday that he wishes he'd had a mom like me. That is going to get him out of sooooooooooooooooooo much trouble. Smart man :)

Biz - I think that any time you have a kick-ass mom moment - not something huge like throwing a perfect birthday party or whatever, just one of those everyday 5-minute successes like folding-laundry-while-eating-dinner-AND-feeding-the-baby, tweet about it, and I would be more than happy to give you a virtual high five, because I'm also one of those people (I know there are a lot of us) who wants an A+ on my parenting report card and my name on the honor roll (or whatever). For me, any time I manage to get the kid fed, teeth brushed, jammies on, books read, and asleep by his supposed bedtime, I feel like there should be applause. My life needs an applause track. Is that too much to ask?


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:21 pm 
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I love everyone and everyone is kicking ass. Thank you both for sharing! It really helps me too when you do!

Biz


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 2:27 am 
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hey ladies.

i have listened to every episode of OBM and consider myself a disciple. thank you. i'm not sure i could ever really articulate how much this podcast means to me. just know, there's a mom in atlanta who is very very grateful for you.

this weeks episode was fucking ballsy. and i loved it. it's not comfortable to talk about the ugly side of relationships and parenting but you guys did it. ballsy and awesome. i struggle with resentment of my husband DAILY!! my brain doesn't do good things for me when i'm alone with a toddler for hours on end. but i have taken Biz's advice and made my new mantra, "i didn't marry a dick". it's helping. and it's comforting to know that we're all just fucking trying to get by.

so, all that to say, thank you. it's scary to air some of your dirty laundry. but when you guys do, a frazzled mom in atlanta smiles. so there.

also, i want a t-shirt that says, "this shit is hard and no one cares"


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 7:02 pm 
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I cam on here to say: Biz - I think you might be my spirit animal but I secretly hope that one day I grow up to be Theresa. Theresa - you are so sweet that you posted that apology but actually I think you gave really great advice! I don't think you sounded judgmental (or anyway - not very - and if our friends can't give us advice, who can?) your advice was exactly what my friend's mom told her. she is a SAHM and she was upset that she went away for a week and her husband made the house messy. her mom asked her if she went away for a week at her office job would someone else do ALL her work or would she have a million emails to answer when she got back? anyway she said that helped her put it in perspective. which is not to sound judgy myself, I hope!

anyway, this show was so great I want to make my husband listen to it so he can see where I am coming from :)

you guys are the best! I have to remind myself periodically that we are not actually BFF in real life :) keep up the awesome work.

E


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 8:21 am 
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Just wanted to say, I totally just had a grown up conversation with my husband about expectations... High five!!!!
(Jelourai, a special high five just for you too).

We are all kicking arse (British, so using translation), our partners aren't dicks, the show is wonderful, and also just wanted to share that my kids just brought me a cup of tea and some breakfast muffins in bed like they were offering libations to the gods. The light at the end of the tunnel just got a little brighter (next lesson: opening a bottle of wine).

This shit is hard and no one gives a shit - but sometimes you get muffins.

Thanks ladies x


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