Maximum Fun Forum

I moved this to the JJGO Episode 6 thread - Jesse

I grew up in Texas and moved to Chicago and then New York, so I had never heard of Abba Zabba until I heard the Tom Waits song, "Chocolate Jesus", which has these verses in it:

I don't want no Abba Zabba
Don't want no Almond Joy
There ain't nothing better
Suitable for this boy

It's the only thing that can pick me up
Better than a Cup of Gold
Only a Chocolate Jesus
Can satisfy my soul

...so when I was in California a few years ago and I saw an Abba Zabba at a gas station, it felt like my heart was going to pee itself.
I bought one and ate it in the car and I must say: as good as the Abba Zabba was, it did not reach its Platonic Ideal, as represented by the song.

Thus, I posit: no matter how good a candy bar is, it can never be as good as hearing Tom Waits say the name of that candy bar.

Once you know this, it will help you save one million dollars.